Why judgement with love is constructive

Mar 24, 2024 | Insights

Judgement with love lies midway between being highly judgemental and destructive and being passively non-judgemental
It was so embarrassing I am not sure I can repeat the story.

A long time ago, I made a judgement about someone I didn’t know well. I acted on my mistaken judgement and said something that turned out to be so embarrassing that I just wanted to crawl away and hide.

If nothing else, the episode taught me to be more careful. By the time I became a coach and financial planner, I had swung to the opposite end of the judgement pendulum, becoming absolutely non-judgmental with clients and friends.

Being non-judgemental can be counter-productive.

However, this also proved to be a flawed approach. Clients who came to me for encouragement, motivation, and advice needed me to judge their actions, even if they didn’t want to hear it. My non-judgmental approach sometimes left them feeling unheard.

However, I have grown to hate our judgemental society, so I was very interested when a wise man I know talked about “judgement with love”. 

The concept is simple. Be judgemental when necessary, but do it with love and not hate. Be judgemental in a way that helps the other person to see that it would help everyone if they changed their behaviour and that by doing so, they could become a better person.

In other words, it is about showing love and care to someone else, helping them avoid further damaging themselves and others.

How to provide judgement with love.

So, how can you provide judgement with love? Well, here are three approaches.

  1. Explore and discover. For instance, you can say, “I am curious to know…”. I wish I had done this all those years ago!
  2. Suggest alternatives. “I wonder if…” is a way of gently helping the other person to see the other side of the story. It is proper judgement with love.
  3. Be direct. Help the other person understand that others may have a different perspective and be affected differently by their words or deeds.

I now believe it is okay to be judgemental as long as you express your judgement in a way that helps the other person develop and grow.

Photo attribution

Photo by Peter Conlan on Unsplash

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Physical disgust and moral condemnation
Being judgemental causes harm, especially when it is made in disgust or fear, is based on hearsay or is made without the authority to judge. Here are some questions to consider when you find yourself in a judgemental mood.

My name is Jeremy Deedes. I combine financial life planning and life coaching to rewrite your story through your figures, deepen your relationship with money and reorganise your money to achieve your goals.

Specifically, I help seasoned independent consultants make sense of their money so that they can blaze a brighter trail at home and work with calm, confidence and clarity of purpose.

Discover your money maturity score by taking the Money Maturity Quiz at https://shrtm.nu/n2D. It’s free, takes only a few minutes, and you will get your score and recommendations by email immediately.

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